Namaste, Fáilte & Welcome,
I'm Candice

The Spark of Light 

 

From competitive sports, music & dance routines, mixtapes & home videos, I was curious to try almost anything as a child into my early teens. Whatever I could do to make myself, my friends or my cousins laugh, explore my creativity and expend my energy.

 

The Dimming

 

From my mid teens, my light started to dim as I began moving through eating disorders, self hatred, body dysmorphia, hyper masculine productivity and a harsh inner critique that would beat me down day after day. I grew up with a strict religious upbringing, which I later rebelled and an inconsistent, financially stressful, unpredictable and dysfunctional family dynamic, which led to emotional neglect, suicidal ideation and a clinical diagnosis of Major Depression at the age of 17. I felt lost with no direction or guidance, yet overachieving and overdoing to partying, drinking and sex for escapism or collapsing into despair alone in my room where the only thing that could pull me out of bed was my headphones, electronic music and my fantasies.

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Disconnected, Lost, Hyper-Productive Led

 

I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, yet all of my friends seemed to know exactly what they wanted to be, what school they wanted to go to and who they were becoming. All I knew is that I wanted to be happy and needed to choose something to study. So I chose Tourism & Travel because I had been on some trips to Mexico and the Caribbean and had been going to Florida every winter for most of my life to visit my grandparents, who were snowbirds. I now see also how that was an unconscious way of connecting to my Dad, as we grew up in a hotel that my parents bought for about 5 years in my mid childhood. I played sports to try and connect with him, like hockey, baseball and golf, which were his favourite. I felt bad that he had four daughters and no sons to truly connect in that dynamic that many fathers dream of. I became a lot like my dad at the time with a deep hidden sensitivity and feelings of unworthiness, mixed with depression and explosive anger & rage, ultimately leading to periods of collapse. 

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Running to Freedom

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The first thing I did after graduating was move across the country to Banff National Park, where I gained my financial independence and met my husband. I was the heaviest I've ever been, but also the happiest. My motivating factor was that I wanted to prove to myself that my parents didn't love me. That their love was only tied to money (which came with a lot of guilt). Meaning, if they supported me financially, they didn't have to love me through nurturing, listening and being there for my emotional needs. Obviously that wasn't true, yet I felt liberated when I was finally free of any financial support for the moment and was living my own life for the first time. 

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The First Awakening - My Health

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Years later, while living in Vancouver, I had a health awakening. After being in the hospital for gall stones and gall bladder removal after losing 90 pounds from drinking dietary shakes and partying with drugs, I decided I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life and become a Nurse. Another unconscious way of trying to connect with my Mom and feminine lineage as she was a Nurse while raising me and before leaving her career after having 4 girls and going into entrepreneurship with my dad. ​I was always told that I was just like my mom. Big boned (not sure where they came up with that one), caring and a "good girl". Most of my aunts were nurses as well, so this was really the only option I knew of to do good in the world and use my caring nature to serve others. 

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The Second Awakening - Our System

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I went to Nursing School in Toronto, became an RN and had another awakening. This time, it was about the state of the western healthcare system. I will never forget the resistance in my body and pure dread I felt when working on internal medicine/chronic health units when I had to give medication. I don't know how else to describe it other than there was an innate intelligence or wisdom in me that just knew, this is not helping for the long-term and you are perpetuating the cycle that keeps people in band-aid solutions, with no sustainable change. I felt powerless and immediately had an inner calling to move to India and study preventative, alternative & holistic health. The impulse was so strong, nothing could stop me from exploring it. To this day, I still have nightmares that I am back in nursing school and have one year left to go. The trauma of overriding my body's wisdom still resides in my subconscious mind. 

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The Third Awakening - Spiritual

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Following my inner calling, my husband and I moved to his home country of India where I studied Yoga, Ayurveda and Energy Healing for many years. This is where I had my first spiritual awakening, opening or initiation, followed by an existential dark night of the soul. 

 

This is really where my life shifted completely and I embarked on a deep inner journey, which continues today. There was no going back from here. The seed was planted and my 30s would become a wild adventure filled with exploration, trial & error, self-study, separation, endless grief and healing, lesson after lesson, betrayals and heartbreaks. 

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But also love, soul family, beauty, play, sensuality, creativity, feminine awakening, nature immersion, moments of pure bliss, becoming a dog mom to the Indian street dogs, ​after realizing and accepting that I couldn't have kids and it was never meant to be part of my journey. 

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I became highly sensitive, empathic, introverted, trying to heal my mind and heart from CPTSD, hyper attuned to the field and needs of others, a chronic people pleaser with a self-sacrificing, saviour complex and good girl archetype mixed with an inner rebel, hippy and renunciate, oscillating between extremes.

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My awakenings, openings or deep descents continued in waves... feminine, creative, mind, heart, body, land, patriarchy, indigenous colonization, ancestral and most recently...awakening deep, loving presence.

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We are continuing to awaken out of our ignorance, amnesia and suffering, remembering the truth of what we are, how energy works and how to live and create in this physical realm.

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Continually liberating ourselves over and over again from the stories, narratives, identities, loyalties and limitations of the mind and self.

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Over the 10+ years living in India, I ​explored many passions, potentials and awakened my creativity, from Yoga, Meditation, Ayurveda, Body & Energy Work, Holistic Health Coaching to DJ'ing, Events, Retreats, Pop-ups & Markets, Astrology, Tarot, Wellness, Jams, Circles, Sacred Gatherings, Flow Arts & Ceremonies.

 

At one point I even explored becoming a Nun, but I learned from my own self-exploration that I was never meant to choose just one lane or one thing. Every time I tried to stay in one path, I would awaken out of the programming, identity and limitations that started to solidify.

 

Plus, that monastic and renunciate path wouldn't have allowed me to fully express my freedom and become the Sovereign Creatrix I am today, or more simply put without the label, a living expression of creation itself. 

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As a multi-passionate, integrative & cyclical being, my approach is always holistic, compassionate and devotional, weaving many threads into one. 

 

I have become the multi-dimensional and holistic teacher, guide, coach, therapist, mirror and safe space I needed throughout my journey. I feel many of us transform our deepest wounds into our dharma, highest purpose, and become the guiding post & loving presence we needed during our most challenging chapters of life.

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Throughout my journey, I have awakened to the WHOLE self and I lead with soul, love, intuition, body wisdom, presence and creative power. 

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When I was younger, the only guides who helped me feel at ease were Psychics, Tarot & Astrology Readers. I also worked with Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy and a Psychotherapist who worked with Art & Creativity. I knew that going to a regular therapist just wouldn't be enough for me. They wouldn't see the WHOLE me. The spiritual, energetic and deep unconscious. They wouldn't see my pain and the light of my soul and my connection to the divine. 

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I've now come to realize that beyond the form, expression, methods or guidance, what tends to be the most impactful, is simply holding deep silence, listening, witnessing and loving awareness, where each being can remember who and what they truly are through directly experiencing the present moment, where self reunites with the whole, pure essence is remembered and peace, freedom & transformation reawaken spontaneously. 

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I have never stopped studying, learning, experimenting with life, different systems, frameworks and tools and integrating my experiences along the way. I'm a spiritual nerd with an open mind and curious mind. Deeper and deeper I go into the depths of the human psyche and the heights of the cosmos & beyond, exploring truth, the fullness of our consciousness, human experience and the great mystery. ​

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From my journey and many others, I've realized the hardest part on this path is not the activations, awakenings or peak experiences, it's the integration & embodiment that follows. How to bring the new awareness, insights and deep remembrance into daily life to create sustainable change and implementing new patterns and habits that align with your truest nature.

 

I have done retreats, immersions, intensives, trainings, circles, ceremonies, festivals, psychedelics and lived in spiritual bubbles. It can take years and years to metabolize the experiences and teachings into your body, psyche, nervous system and daily rhythms. 

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Or it can take a few simple moments. Where you sit in silence, in nature, in deep listening, alone or in sacred circle, creating space for loving awareness to become conscious and you remember the oneness of all.​

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How do we move from awareness into actual change? This is where I see many, including myself, struggling.

 

It is through slowing down and taking the time to integrate our journey. This can be very uncomfortable as it can lead to loss, grief, voids, shadow work and deeper awareness that brings up more pain and anger. It also requires us to take responsibility for our life and our choices. This is where the deep loving presence we experienced can bring the greatest love, compassion and kindness. 

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This is the real journey to wholeness. Back home to our pure essence and fullest expression of the divine flow & aliveness creating through us all. Down and in, to the deepest depths of our being. 

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On my path, I've always been ahead spiritually and energetically, while my psyche, nervous system and body took years and years to catch-up. Especially if I kept going, pushing more, exploring more. Eventually at some point, I would be forced to stop, slow down and catch-up... and I was, at age 40. I felt the inner call again to go back to Canada to rest, heal my heart, recalibrate and integrate all of the shifts and awakenings that happened in the last 14 year Neptune Cycle, essentially my entire residency in India. 

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Since moving back to Canada, I have reconnected with my ancestral lineage's wisdom of the Celtic Wheel of the Year, encouraged by a beautiful Canadian Indigenous Medicine Woman. Feeling disconnected to where I was born because of the deep colonial history on this land and the marginalization and challenges the First Nations, Inuit and Metis still face today, I have struggled with my human identity here, born on stolen land, my grandfather moved to Canada from Ireland to preach, the very religion that created a genocide of the indigenous people. I will continue walking as an ally in truth & reconciliation on this land, supporting the rise of indigenous wisdom, voices and rights. Learning from and sitting in circle with the most beautiful matriarchal wisdom keepers of this land has been healing, activating and a real honour, for which I am truly blessed and grateful. 

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After living from the East to West in Canada and from the North to South in India, I have come to realize that we need an integration of all directions, all polarities, all wisdom practices, where we ourselves stand in the depth of our being, in pure loving presence, interconnected to all, accepting life's paradoxes, inclusive of diversity and the unique one-of-a-kind expression of all living beings on our planet. Truly honouring the divine and oneness of all. All has its place in this great mystery of life.

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This physical journey is an evolution of human consciousness, which moves in a spiral, both expanding and emptying, returning to the same lessons and themes with renewed awareness, insights and greater depth, understanding and compassion. ​

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These sacred thresholds, initiations and transitions are what transform us from the inside out and they are the most challenging, but most wonderful gift. Working with the seasons of nature and cosmic cycles helps us attune to our inner rhythm and guidance system, first and foremost. To accept life's unknowns and uncertainty with openness, curiosity, deeper faith and trust. 

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Being awakened, alive and surrendered to the great mystery and coming into right relationship with all parts of ourself, with fear, with love, learning to be ok with not knowing, with emptiness and void, with darkness and confusion, in the quiet and slow, without rushing out of it.

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This is where the medicine, wisdom and magic resides. 

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This is our continual emptying and return to deep presence, loving awareness, pure consciousness and divine union within.